Proactive
by Krazyangelkat
Summary: What happens when the Wizarding world finds a "Dark Mark" remover? How will this discovery affect our favorite Death Eaters? This is a humor fic based off of late night infomercials. enjoy r&r Each chapter to be read individually.
1. Chapter 1

Proactive

Or _**Why Halfblooded Death Eaters shouldn't watch infomercials at three am?**_

Severus Snape was having a bad night. He'd gone to his latest Death Eater meeting tonight at the Barmy-Eye-Twinkling -Lemon-Drop Suckers insistence. Things went pretty much the same as always; their Master summoned the hordes together, Bellatrix cackled madly, the Dark Lord dispensed a few dozen Crucios, Bellatrix cackled madly, the minions of his Exalted Darkness reported on their progress (or lack thereof), more Crucios and Bellatrix cackling madly, then came the traditional rant about baby Dark Lord Killers followed by the angsty speeches of why didn't you revive me sooner followed by even more Crucios and Bellatrix cackling madly.  
So after being hit half-a-dozen times or more with the Curciatus curse he finally managed to find an excuse to leave the pain party. He had already slammed down a few nerve regenerative potions and just waiting on the trembling in his hands to ease up. He knew he needed to sleep soon so that he could be up in the morning to brew the Draught of Lemon Delight for the Headmaster but he couldn't sleep just yet. The useless reports of his fellow Moribund Feasters ran thru his head chasing each other like a werewolf chasing a bunny, so he decided he needed to resort to the tried and true method for falling asleep he had learned during his Potions Mastery. He sat in front of the old Muggle television he had inherited from his drunken father and turned the channel to the Home Shopping Network.  
This was guaranteed to make him sleepy, he was just dozing off to the sounds of some peppy blond bimbo talking about some shark that cleaned floors (how stupid can she get a shark would absolutely eat the floor not clean it) when he heard the most amazing thing it almost made him forget his dream of crucioing that woman.  
"Up next we have the proactive collection guaranteed to remove all Dark Marks, blemishes and spots… To order call 1-800-PROACTIVE… for rush delivery add $19.99…Hurry now and you get a travel sized Dark Mark Remover."  
Severus did not remember reaching for the phone, nor did he remember placing a rush order for the strange Muggle product but he fell asleep comforted by the fact that tomorrow would be a brand new day and he would never have to attend another pain party again.


	2. Chapter 2

Proctive

Or _**Why do Death Eater Potions Professor's Hate Christmas?**_

All of Hogwarts was rejoicing;

Christmas holidays fast were approaching

The Ravens and Lions in there towers

Gave into the cheery holiday powers.

The Badgers made sure no friend was slacking

Even the Snakey excitement was not lacking.

All the children were excited they liked Christmas a lot,

But Severus down in his dungeon did not.

That Grinch hated Christmas! The whole Christmas season!

Now, please don't ask why. No one quite knows the reason.

It could be the fumes had affected his mind

It could be he hated all of mankind

But I think that the most likely reason of all

was just that mean Dark Lord's call.

It was Christmas eve and he cared not a jot

He would as soon boil them all in a pot

"Tomorrow is Christmas! It's practically here!"

Then he growled, with his stained fingers nervously drumming,

His mind was so agitated it was practically humming

For, tomorrow, he knew...

...All the devil girls and boys

Would wake up bright and early. They'd rush for their toys!

Each one would open their gifts with trumpets & cards that explode

They'd eat so much junk they just about implode

But for him there was no joy to be had

He was stuck serving a dark and dangerous cad

Severus thought, "I must stop this whole thing!

"Why for fifteen years I've put up with it now!

I'll take them all to Dark Lord" he said cackling

"we'll teach all those Gryffindor's how to Bow

If I can't get out of it neither will they

I'll present them to him come what may."

The potions master was cracking quite swift

He wanted to end it all with a bang if you get my drift

He made to exit his den when he stumbled on a gift

Addressed to him, from a student his spirits to uplift?

"_Professor Snape, This season is jolly _

_Not meant to be melancholy _

_I got you this to help your faces pockmark_

_It said it would also remove a Dark Mark _

_Try this during our season so festive _

_A new potion called proactive."_

For a moment he was as still a mouse

Debating should his arm he douse

But who in these halls his dilemma had known

Had he told anyone his tale of woe

"I'll just examine it quick, Make sure I won't sick

Maybe this is a joke from Sirius that prick"

He thought and he thought

Should he just try what he'd got

He would give it a go, he'll try just a drop

Just one drip it dropped right on his arm with a plop

That great python and bloody skull was gone.

His soul felt so light and so free

He want to sing "It's great to be me."

He decided that Christmas it can't be that bad

Maybe before, he might have been mad

He decided to give in to holiday cheer

And he even wished people a good year.


	3. Chapter 3

Bellatrix had made an awful discovery, one she wished she had never found. It had started out as a pretty average day she was sent by the most magnificent Dark Lord ever to defile the earth AKA Lord Voldemort to torture some random muggles in a random town near London. So she embarked on her most important mission and had a wonderful time torturing and cackling as the poor pitiful muggles pleaded for their lives. After a few hours she decided she might as well see how the stupid creatures lived and wandered about their home for a while before she made her way into the bathroom.

Looking around the counter she saw a bunch of clutter, bottles and bottles of potions of who did any number of strange things. So she did what any crazed mass murderer would do, opened the bottles and started playing with the contents. There was a minty smelling liquids, funny powders in all kinds of colors. But the thick cold liquid that soon covered her hands in a funny beige color she did not like this stuff at all so she rubbed her hands together to get it off but it proved more stubborn than she thought it would, soon she had it all over her hands, arms and face. She gasped when she saw it started to cover her glorious tattoo given to her by his Dark Eminence himself.

Grabbing the nearest bottle of cleanser she saw she tried to wash the sickening stuff off the beautiful snake on her arm, she covered the Dark Mark in suds and then washed all the suds off in the sink. Her mild panic turned in to a full-fledged rage and horror when all the suds had cleared and her Dark Mark was missing. That is when she looked at the bottle of cleanser in her hands, _Proactive Solution: Dark Mark Remover_. She shuddered muggles were horrible how had they done this to her, they should all be destroyed. Horrified she decided she would have to tell her master about this disturbing product, grabbing the bottle she apparated to Riddle Manor intent on fixing this abomination.

Bellatrix knelt at Lord Voldemort's feet clutching the half full bottle of evil potion in her hand to prove her veracity. When she showed him her bear arm his eyes turned blood red in fury until he heard her next words.

"Please Master can you put it back? Please." Tears were streaming down his Crazy followers face as she begged him to mark her again. Even though he was used to women pleading with him to do things usually it was to stop torturing them not to cause them immense pain, with an evil smirk he took her arm.

"I will restore your mark to you my most faithful follower." His Red eyes held a glint of satisfaction as he reapplied the mark to the deranged witch, he of course made the pain twice as intense from the first time she had received the mark. He totally missed the desire in her eyes when she watched his long bony fingers brush over her arm weaving him magic back into the tattoo he put there. She kissed the hem of his robe and thanked him repeatedly until he dismissed her.

She left his throne room still clutching the damned bottle of cleanser, occasionally looking at her arm again still seeing and feeling where he had touched her flesh. Of course her Lord had noticed her loyalty and reward her with the extra pain this time was much more intense than their first. She knew that her Lord would never declare his love for her but she was confidant he held her as precious why else would her give her so many muggles to Crucio or doubled her pain as he marked her this time?

Slowly a smile formed on her lips, maybe, just maybe this isn't such a bad thing after all. Carefully she put the Proactive away a safe place she might just have to use this thing a few more times.

* Finite Incantatem*


End file.
